Subliminal Programming

So, I was at the gym the other day making my 'fat can' do the elliptical for 50 minutes. Oddly enough, the only thing running through my mind was, "I wonder who is going to win Iron Chef tonight?" Then it occurred to me. I am at the gym simultaneously killing my gravity-defying self and watching Food Network on the TV in front of me! how ridiculous is that?! That would be like Tiger Woods swearing off extra-marital affairs while on a date with an escort.

After I got home, I turned on the TV again to watch a little news and there it was: a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial that made me want to butter-up and roll in a secret set of herbs and spices. It shocked me how responsive I was to what I was viewing on the tube. That's not to say I blame marketing directors across the nation for my overly longitudinal issues. Quite the contrary; no force fed me at the buffet line.

When the soda manufacturers of the world said, "Obey your thirst," I had the choice to decline.

Taco Bell has repeatedly said, "Think outside the bun." I did - now my buns think outside my chair.

McDonald's used to say, "We love to see you smile." Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't remember smiling after I finished a Big Mac and large fry - matter-of-fact, I don't remember doing much of anything after finishing a Big Mac and large fry. Yet I continually chose to go back again and again.

Burger King wanted me to, "Have it my way." Well, I did. I just didn't think about the diabetes, hypertension, sky rocketing cholesterol and astronomical triglycerides number that came with the meal.

As I've always understood it, "M&M's melt in your mouth, not in your hands." It's a good thing, too - there are diabetics out there that can't feel their fingers anymore.

I don't want that to be me anymore. It's time I came up with my own slogan.

Spandex... and other crimes against humanity.

You know, it is a pretty self conscious thing being overweight and going to a gym to work out. I feel like I get looked at. In the paranoid delusions concocted by my imagination, I can almost hear the thoughts of those around me: "What is fatty doing here? Isn't there a Hostess product with his name on it somewhere else? Shouldn't he be at a buffet?"

Please don't misunderstand - I recognize that these assumptions I have about other peoples perseverations have less to do with reality and are more a projection of what I think about myself than what others think about me. But still, it doesn't change the fact that when I go to the gym, I am NOT looking to call any attention to myself. For that reason, I cannot understand this:

WTH?! Cover up people! I don't care what you think, how much weight you may or may not have lost, who may have told you it looked okay - if the calipers still read plus 30% body fat, spandex is not going to be a good thing for you! There is nothing you have that the world needs to witness at this time! This goes for people taking belly dancing classes, people taking Karate lessons, anybody on the cardio equipment... please, for the love of mercy... DO NOT USE THE ELIPTICAL WITHOUT A SHIRT ON IF YOU WEIGH MORE THAN 230 LBS AND ARE SHORTER THAN 5' 6"! It's just not right. It's like porn - you see it once and it is burned into your mind forever!

When it comes time to punch my mortal timecard and my life is flashing across my eyes, I do NOT want to enter Paradise (or Prison, the jury's still out) with the image of three chins, chalky white moobs, a tattoo with the words, "Nuke the gay whales for Jezuz" across a hairy oversized gut, ALL bouncing up, down, left and right to the tune of That Ain't My America.

It's wrong people!

Ahh. That feels a little better. Thanks for letting me vent. While we are on the subject, could someone please explain tattoos to me?

We come into this life with one covering. We don't shed and get a new one; we can't really upgrade; if we tear it, it leaves a mark; if we burn it, it scars over; If we draw on it with a NEEDLE that stabs us hundreds of times per square freaking inch while depositing toxic inks dangerously close to our blood stream with a needle that a guy named Squeeky says is clean, it may not be natural... just sayin'...

Maybe that's why they are so serious about stripping down for the world to see the 'art' that Squeeky laid down right above their navel. That or the hepatitis fried the portion of their brain that says you should wear a shirt AND a coat when it is 15 degrees outside and snowing...

I don't know. This has been a really judgemental post - I think it's because I am in a bad mood tonight. I don't know why - it's the beginning of a long weekend. Then again, nothing spells 'happy' like a trip to the doctor telling you that you will ALWAYS be diabetic, you will ALWAYS require medication and you will eventually die from your condition, regardless of how hard you try to maintain control. Bummer... I guess people who told me Type II is reversible weren't being completely up front with me. That or I've been lying to myself and hearing what I want to hear rather than what is being said. Wow. That would be embarrassing; almost as embarrassing as being caught out in public wearing nothing but spandex...

Been Awhile...

It has definitely been awhile since I posted - roughly a year and a half now. The good news: I haven't returned to 370 lbs; the bad news: I still hover around the same weight I was the last time I posted. About 319.

There has been more good news since my last blog as well. August 2008 was the last time ML had a seizure. He has had several fevers since then, but the seizures never returned. He had a couple of sleep deprived EEG's and there were never any abnormalities found. It looks like someone heard our prayers. And I am grateful to Him.

My little IL has also been seizure-free for over a year now. When she makes it another year, we will be able to gradually ween her off of the medication she is now on. It makes me happy.

Weight remains a struggle with me. I have not made it my top priority yet. Although I believe I have created a good exercise habit (I go the the gym 5 -6 times a week, for one-hour a session) I still have not confronted my relationship with food, which is why I maintain. About a year and a half ago (September 2009) I did a 'Farewell to Fat' program with some friends in the neighborhood. I was able to shed 28 pounds in roughly a two-month period of time and achieve the lowest weight I have ever been at in the last 16 years - 298 lbs. It was the first time I had fallen below 300 since late 1994 when I first hit the 200 lb mark. It felt awesome! I was jogging 5 miles in an hour, lifting weights, walking to the train that would take me to work, doing everything that I needed to do... unfortunately, Thanksgiving and then Christmas hit in rapid succession and my inability to control my portion sizes did me in.

It was easy to think, "I will allow myself 5 lbs because it is the holiday." and go back for rounds two or three at the dinner-slash-snack table. It didn't take long before 5 lbs became 10, and 10 became 15, and 15 became 20.

I honestly don't know why I sabotaged myself like that? It was great! I was able to go to San Diego for a couple of days in early November with my wife and for the first time since I came home from my mission, I didn't need a seat belt extender! Now, I do.

All of my excuses are gone. Financially, we are doing well (despite the recession). My kids' health is in a better place than it has ever been. Sure, there is still stress associated with work, but that is to be expected and it is no more or less than the stressors everyone else has with their jobs.

So why did I do it? It makes me wonder if I am comfortable with how I look, despite the fact that I am not comfortable in my clothes. 320 lbs allows for a lot of fat to insulate yourself from... what?

I want to find out.