Been Awhile...

It has definitely been awhile since I posted - roughly a year and a half now. The good news: I haven't returned to 370 lbs; the bad news: I still hover around the same weight I was the last time I posted. About 319.

There has been more good news since my last blog as well. August 2008 was the last time ML had a seizure. He has had several fevers since then, but the seizures never returned. He had a couple of sleep deprived EEG's and there were never any abnormalities found. It looks like someone heard our prayers. And I am grateful to Him.

My little IL has also been seizure-free for over a year now. When she makes it another year, we will be able to gradually ween her off of the medication she is now on. It makes me happy.

Weight remains a struggle with me. I have not made it my top priority yet. Although I believe I have created a good exercise habit (I go the the gym 5 -6 times a week, for one-hour a session) I still have not confronted my relationship with food, which is why I maintain. About a year and a half ago (September 2009) I did a 'Farewell to Fat' program with some friends in the neighborhood. I was able to shed 28 pounds in roughly a two-month period of time and achieve the lowest weight I have ever been at in the last 16 years - 298 lbs. It was the first time I had fallen below 300 since late 1994 when I first hit the 200 lb mark. It felt awesome! I was jogging 5 miles in an hour, lifting weights, walking to the train that would take me to work, doing everything that I needed to do... unfortunately, Thanksgiving and then Christmas hit in rapid succession and my inability to control my portion sizes did me in.

It was easy to think, "I will allow myself 5 lbs because it is the holiday." and go back for rounds two or three at the dinner-slash-snack table. It didn't take long before 5 lbs became 10, and 10 became 15, and 15 became 20.

I honestly don't know why I sabotaged myself like that? It was great! I was able to go to San Diego for a couple of days in early November with my wife and for the first time since I came home from my mission, I didn't need a seat belt extender! Now, I do.

All of my excuses are gone. Financially, we are doing well (despite the recession). My kids' health is in a better place than it has ever been. Sure, there is still stress associated with work, but that is to be expected and it is no more or less than the stressors everyone else has with their jobs.

So why did I do it? It makes me wonder if I am comfortable with how I look, despite the fact that I am not comfortable in my clothes. 320 lbs allows for a lot of fat to insulate yourself from... what?

I want to find out.